the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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