I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
