I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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