We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
