too bad you live with your parents still
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
