guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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