I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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