i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
