We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
