Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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