God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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