And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
