God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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