dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
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I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
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Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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