New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
