so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
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Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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