Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
