i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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