made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
