I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
