i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
