I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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