I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
