Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
