Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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