im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
