Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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