i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
