Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
