Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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