I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
