We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
