halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
