I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
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I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
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She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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