what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
