My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
