They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
