with your own penis?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
