I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
