I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
