Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
