Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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