so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
