Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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