someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
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I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
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You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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