I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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