Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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