Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
