dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
