I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
as a side note pls kill me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
