So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
