now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Randomize
