wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
