Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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