I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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