My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
