So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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