trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
