This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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