i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
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Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
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Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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