why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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