Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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