I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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