whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
